10 Arkansans Who Should Absolutely Not Be Blogging, Under Any Circumstances, Ever

Last week, my blogging compatriot Lance Turner floated his proposed list of “10 Arkansans Who Should Be Blogging.” I took a look and promptly told Lance that it was a totally stupid list, and so he said that I was totally stupid, and then I said he had a stupid face, and then it just  kinda devolved from there into a shoving match.

Anyway, one of Lance’s points during the shoving match was something along the lines of “What, you think you can do something better?” The answer is “Yes. Yes, I can.”

So here, this is it. This is something better. This is my list, in no particular order, of “10 Arkansans Who Should Absolutely Not Be Blogging, Under Any Circumstances, Ever”:

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Attorney General Dustin McDaniel. Yeah, we’ve had a glimpse of what that would look like, when he guest posted over at Under the Dome. Let’s not put ourselves through THAT miserable and embarrassing experience again.

98 percent (estimated) of all elected officials. You are all terrible and boring, and in some cases just barely even semi-literate. Stop, before you even consider starting.

Steve Barnes of Arkansas Week. I think I have made my feelings quite clear on this matter.

96 percent (estimated) of all Arkansas television and radio personalities. OK, just trust me on this one.

Warwick Sabin of the Oxford American. And anyone else associated with the stupid Oxford American. You don’t need a blog. Just take your fancy-pants “good writing” and put it in your precious little “literary journal,” your majesty.

Kane Webb of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. Actually, he was on Lance’s list, too, but the thing is I once suggested Kane consider being part of The Arkansas Project’s stable of contributors and he just looked at me like that was the stupidest idea anyone had ever suggested, that a big shot writer like him would write for “some piss-ant blog.” So screw him. Plus he went and turned into a big sissy about dirty words.

Rep. Dan Greenberg. What? Oh, yeah, that’s right. Damn.

Meredith Oakley of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. But on the other hand, it might be a good way to stop wasting precious newsprint on her writing about her damn genealogy hobby. (Am I gonna get yelled at for only including one woman on the list?)

Bill Halter’s High School Football Coach. Yeah, we’ve seen the series of ads with the lieutenant governor’s old coach yelling at the camera to “Vote for Bill!” or “Vote for Bill’s Lottery!,” and I’m sure we’re to be sentenced to another round during Halter’s 2010 re-election bid. But under no circumstances is this franchise to be extended to the online space. I don’t think there are any plans to do so, but I don’t trust Halter’s political guru Bud Jackson for one second.

Otus the Head Cat. I don’t know what the hell this thing in the Saturday Arkansas Democrat-Gazette is supposed to be, and it says “humorous fabrication” on the little tag at the end, but that couldn’t be right because that shit’s about as funny as a cancer diagnosis.

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I wanted to include columnist John Brummett of the Arkansas News Bureau on this list, but I guess it’s too late for that, since he already has a blog, and it is just terrible. I wish I had a time machine and maybe I could go back in time and stop him, which reminds me, weird story, I had this dream the other night where I was in “Back to the Future” and old Doc Brown had souped up that time traveling DeLorean for me so I could travel to the past. The catch was, I could only make ONE jump into the past, so I had to choose carefully, right?

So Doc Brown wants to know if I’m gonna go back to the 1920s and assassinate Hitler, or go back to 2008 and find a way to stop John Brummett from blogging. And then there was this long pause and Doc Brown said, “Well, what’s it gonna be?” And I said, “Don’t rush me, I’m thinking, I’m thinking!”

So there, that’s my list. I could have made it longer but it turns out I’m already bored with this conceit. What, you think you can do something better? Then let’s hear it, jackass, in the comments section.

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31 thoughts on “10 Arkansans Who Should Absolutely Not Be Blogging, Under Any Circumstances, Ever

  • April 22, 2009 at 10:22 am
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    Pat Lynch should not have a blog. Unfortunately I think he already has one. Oh, and definitely, Wally Hall should not have blog. We hear way too much from him already!
    By the way…First time reader. Followed @LT’s Twitter link.
    Kelly

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  • April 22, 2009 at 10:31 am
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    Kelly,
    You are 100 percent correct on both of those calls.
    D.

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  • April 22, 2009 at 11:47 am
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    Doc Brown? The president of Arkansas Tech? Why would he have a time machine? And if he had one, wouldn’t you think he would go back in time and find the person that decided to make Tech suck and kick his arse? Oh, wait, HE is the person that decided to make Tech suck.

    Reply
  • April 22, 2009 at 12:02 pm
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    Blake Rutherford should not have a blog. What a wiseass windbag. Guess it runs in the genes. Endless, endless, endless, pathetic, shallow, self-promotion.

    Reply
  • April 22, 2009 at 12:07 pm
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    “Wiseass”? “Windbag”? “Shallow”? “Self-promotion”? You’re really talking about ME, aren’t you, Hope? Aren’t you? Dammit!
    D.

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  • April 22, 2009 at 12:09 pm
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    Brummett might be acceptable if he called his own work something like

    A blog about nothing (sorry Seinfeld)

    Manly Vapors and Pearl Clutching

    When David Broder and Joe Klein Collide move to Arkansas and get a lifetime prescription to Thorazine

    Reply
  • April 22, 2009 at 12:14 pm
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    Eureka, you better get a trademark on “Manly Vapors and Pearl Clutching” right away, otherwise I’m stealin’ it.
    D.

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  • April 22, 2009 at 12:33 pm
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    I am glad that I am not on this list!!!

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  • April 22, 2009 at 12:34 pm
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    Borrow away, David. Unfortunately it applies to so many AR males.

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  • April 22, 2009 at 12:36 pm
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    How about Jeff Hankins’ pathetic attempt at a blog? And speaking of Lance Turner, how about that poor excuse of a career/pop culture/newsy/identity crisis of a blog he’s got (partially) running. And while we’re at it, the Sports 360 blog next to his craps the bed every time. That thing is so laden in mistakes/typos and irrelevant postings that it can’t even become popular with Razorbacks fans. Not that it’s updated with any consistency or relevancy.

    Yikes. The blogosphere in central Arkansas is hurtin’.

    Reply
  • April 22, 2009 at 12:36 pm
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    Should have a blog: Chris Battle, The Tobacco Nut Doctor,
    Marcus Monk.
    Should not have a blog: Robbie Wills, Mike Huckabee,Mitch Mustain.

    Reply
  • April 22, 2009 at 12:37 pm
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    Eureka, what phrase would apply to so many AR females like me?

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  • April 22, 2009 at 12:50 pm
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    Hope, tell me how you really feel! Also, thanks for reading my blog.

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  • April 22, 2009 at 1:09 pm
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    Hope, Sorry I don’t know your writing… do you have a blog or a news-ish column?

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  • April 22, 2009 at 1:21 pm
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    Just an observant, Heights housewife. You know the game: legalized prostitution.

    Reply
  • April 22, 2009 at 1:26 pm
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    I’m guessing Will doesn’t follow me on Twitter.

    I’ll go ahead and point out what Will might consider to be a hollow excuse: that “The Ladder” on ArkansasBusiness.com is something of a blog in transition, as we realign a lot of editorial duties at our company. This dovetails with some new Web initiatives we plan to launch this summer.

    And it’s part of our plan to better integrate the “print” staff with Web editorial. That way, it’s not just me and two others trying to keep all the Web content current. Our sites have grown way beyond our capabilities to manage them alone.

    So yes, “The Ladder” hasn’t been great lately. And to its readers, I apologize. But we’re working to improve the situation.

    In other news David, I gotta stick up for Barnes. I’d totally read his blog! I think something tied to ‘Arkansas Week,’ his columns and his work for various newspapers would be compelling mix of news and opinion.

    Reply
  • April 22, 2009 at 1:27 pm
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    Hope, you gotta last name?

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  • April 22, 2009 at 1:40 pm
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    Again, I do appreciate the mention and the love. Remember my column every Mnday in the Democrat-Gazette, and follow me on Twitter @jpatlynch.

    Cheers,
    Lyncho

    Reply
  • April 22, 2009 at 1:41 pm
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    Okay, okay. I’ll play this game, too.
    Arkansans whose blogs I would love to read;
    Tommy Robinson
    Robert “Say” McIntosh
    Edgar Whisnant author of “88 Reason Why the Rapture Will Happen in 1988.”
    James Valley, the dog hating mayor of Helena/West Helena
    Jim Guy Tucker’s original liver.
    Monroe Swarzlose’s ghost.
    Those guys dressed like Uncle Sam and the Lady Liberty, waiving at cars on Shakleford.

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  • April 22, 2009 at 1:42 pm
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    Blake, off to The Club. You’ll find me on the clay court.

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  • April 22, 2009 at 1:50 pm
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    Max calls you “the P.J. O’Rourke/Hugh Hefner of Arkansas blogging”, what an honor?
    If LT is going to get on here and defend his blog and Steve Barnes he is going to have to learn not to post it three times.

    Reply
  • April 22, 2009 at 1:52 pm
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    GFR,
    I’ll step up to defend Lance on that one. The Arkansas Project comments feature went ka-blooey on us for a few minutes and the repeats (which have now been deleted) were my fault. Should be functioning smoothly now.
    D.

    Reply
  • April 22, 2009 at 1:57 pm
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    Humor is subjective.
    But, dang, wished I’d thought of the cancer diagnosis zinger. Combined with a dash of excretory originality and a confession of bafflement and after 29 years I’d finally have folks believing I was actually clever as well as fabricated.

    Reply
  • April 22, 2009 at 2:21 pm
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    Hope, we should play tennis sometime.

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  • April 22, 2009 at 2:49 pm
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    Kane Webb is the next John Brummett. Grouchy old poot in the making.

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  • April 22, 2009 at 5:27 pm
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    That’s how Blake gets you. Infuriates you to the point of vocal confrontation, only to sweep you off your feet at a local “tennis” establishment.

    I’ve seen it a hundred times. I’ve been a victim twice.

    Reply
  • April 22, 2009 at 7:11 pm
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    “Jim Guy Tucker’s Original Liver”? Jesus Christ, Rex, that’s brutal. Also hilarious.
    D.

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  • April 22, 2009 at 8:01 pm
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    Isn’t today someone’s birthday David? What happened to “shameless self promotion?” Happy birthday!

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  • April 22, 2009 at 8:48 pm
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    Sure, Dave. I figure his liver is out partying it up like it was 1992. I hear they keep it in the basement of the capitol and before every session the Democratic leadership goes down and has a drink with it.

    I don’t wish ill on anyone, don’t think that. I’m glad the former governor is still with us and wish him the best. But, as a public figure, I’m going to make fun of him.

    And happy Birthday, Kinkade, you miserable bastard son of a Scottish whelp. Now be a good Scotsman, get drunk and then get in a fistfight with your mother.

    Reply
  • April 22, 2009 at 9:55 pm
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    I believe this to be a record on the number of comments. congrats Dave!

    Reply

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