Last week, my blogging compatriot Lance Turner floated his proposed list of “10 Arkansans Who Should Be Blogging.” I took a look and promptly told Lance that it was a totally stupid list, and so he said that I was totally stupid, and then I said he had a stupid face, and then it just kinda devolved from there into a shoving match.
Anyway, one of Lance’s points during the shoving match was something along the lines of “What, you think you can do something better?” The answer is “Yes. Yes, I can.”
So here, this is it. This is something better. This is my list, in no particular order, of “10 Arkansans Who Should Absolutely Not Be Blogging, Under Any Circumstances, Ever”:
Attorney General Dustin McDaniel. Yeah, we’ve had a glimpse of what that would look like, when he guest posted over at Under the Dome. Let’s not put ourselves through THAT miserable and embarrassing experience again.
98 percent (estimated) of all elected officials. You are all terrible and boring, and in some cases just barely even semi-literate. Stop, before you even consider starting.
Steve Barnes of Arkansas Week. I think I have made my feelings quite clear on this matter.
96 percent (estimated) of all Arkansas television and radio personalities. OK, just trust me on this one.
Warwick Sabin of the Oxford American. And anyone else associated with the stupid Oxford American. You don’t need a blog. Just take your fancy-pants “good writing” and put it in your precious little “literary journal,” your majesty.
Kane Webb of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. Actually, he was on Lance’s list, too, but the thing is I once suggested Kane consider being part of The Arkansas Project’s stable of contributors and he just looked at me like that was the stupidest idea anyone had ever suggested, that a big shot writer like him would write for “some piss-ant blog.” So screw him. Plus he went and turned into a big sissy about dirty words.
Meredith Oakley of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. But on the other hand, it might be a good way to stop wasting precious newsprint on her writing about her damn genealogy hobby. (Am I gonna get yelled at for only including one woman on the list?)
Bill Halter’s High School Football Coach. Yeah, we’ve seen the series of ads with the lieutenant governor’s old coach yelling at the camera to “Vote for Bill!” or “Vote for Bill’s Lottery!,” and I’m sure we’re to be sentenced to another round during Halter’s 2010 re-election bid. But under no circumstances is this franchise to be extended to the online space. I don’t think there are any plans to do so, but I don’t trust Halter’s political guru Bud Jackson for one second.
Otus the Head Cat. I don’t know what the hell this thing in the Saturday Arkansas Democrat-Gazette is supposed to be, and it says “humorous fabrication” on the little tag at the end, but that couldn’t be right because that shit’s about as funny as a cancer diagnosis.
I wanted to include columnist John Brummett of the Arkansas News Bureau on this list, but I guess it’s too late for that, since he already has a blog, and it is just terrible. I wish I had a time machine and maybe I could go back in time and stop him, which reminds me, weird story, I had this dream the other night where I was in “Back to the Future” and old Doc Brown had souped up that time traveling DeLorean for me so I could travel to the past. The catch was, I could only make ONE jump into the past, so I had to choose carefully, right?
So Doc Brown wants to know if I’m gonna go back to the 1920s and assassinate Hitler, or go back to 2008 and find a way to stop John Brummett from blogging. And then there was this long pause and Doc Brown said, “Well, what’s it gonna be?” And I said, “Don’t rush me, I’m thinking, I’m thinking!”
So there, that’s my list. I could have made it longer but it turns out I’m already bored with this conceit. What, you think you can do something better? Then let’s hear it, jackass, in the comments section.