Huckabee Gets Vertical. Or Something.
Mike Huckabee launched his new “Vertical Politics” website yesterday, and it’s a nice looking site. It has something to do with Americans wanting leaders who will lift us up, rather than focusing on the “horizontal” divisions of left and right. Or something like that.
He’s been using this “vertical politics” gimmick for like two years, and to tell you the truth, I still have no idea what the hell he’s talking about. Someone—Sarah, Chip, anyone—make him stop, because it doesn’t make any damn sense. Look, if you’re running for president, I’d really just like to know what you think about foreign policy without my having to run to find a protractor and graph paper to figure it out.
Update: Here’s some video of Huck explaining “vertical politics” on something called “Vertical Day,” which is apparently some kind of new holiday. It clarifies almost nothing:
P.S. That’s three Huckabee posts in the last 16 hours, so it looks like Huck’s trying to take over this blog again. So I’m placing a temporary moratorium on any more Huckabee posting, unless he does something totally noteworthy. Like, if he jumps over Snake River Canyon on a jetcycle, I’ll be all over it.
According to Mike Huckabee, politics in America is becoming both more purple and more vertical.
To me, this seems very strange, but I guess I just have a dirty mind.
Kinkade,
You almost get it but you don’t. You were close to hitting the nail on the head when you spoke about jumping the Snake River on a jetbike.
The new svelt Huckabee has taken up skateboarding and freestyle bikes. He has longed to be “gnarly” ever since he watched “Gleeming The Cube” back in 1987. He plans on pushing for Tony Hawk and Matt Hoffman to run for President and Veep the next go around.
See, vertical politics is about putting these brave stars of extreme sports into office. They have the moxy to do brave things, so Huck assumes they will make great leaders. Vertical is a reference to the vertical portions of quarter-pipes and half-pipes, the ramps that skaters and freestyle bikers use to rocket into the air. In the parlance of these guys, it is simply “vert.”
Huckabee is reaching out to an under represented population in the current power structure. He is reaching out to extreme sports fans. Next week on his show, the Little Rockers are going to perform “Bloodstains” by Agent Orange to further connect with this group. There will even be a guest singer with the Little Rockers, Mike Muir from Suicidal Tendencies. He’s also going to promote the commutation of Mark “Gator” Rogowski! To hell with the WM3, why isn’t Henry Rollins trying to free Gator? Huckabee is going to interview Rollins to find out. TV Party Tonight!
This is going to be as bitchin’ as when I got my GT Pro Freestyle Tour back in 1988!
As Kang and Kodos taught us: we must go forward, not backward — upward, not forward!
….and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom, Todd. Always…
D.